The irony hit today so I knew the attempt at verbal rationalization was in close pursuit..
The time occupying the days between October and now was comprised of 2 cups of self-deprecation, 3 tbsp of selfishness, a pinch of sadism baked in a complete lack of control, at high heat for about 150 days. Topped with a light dusting of hopelessness, just to really seal in the flavor. But like all things left out and unattended, this worthless concoction also started to lose its edible integrity and I think it's now finally time to take out the trash.
How is it that even after we've learned our lessons and vowed never to start studying the night before a test/date that man and men like him/pretend chocolate holds complete nutritious value/stop doing yoga it's so easy to overnight forget the ideals we know we should live our lives by and relapse back into old, bad habits? It's not like it's by any means any easier or more enjoyable to live life making bad choices...In fact, as I've discovered, it's far more emotionally and physically exhausting! So I'm trying to understand where the appeal is in knowingly doing things you know are detrimental to your well being. Or am I the only crazy person here? These days I can't say I feel the least bit normal or connected to anyone anymore. I've always lived in a bubble but now it seems like these days the soapy membrane doesn't extend beyond myself and my eccentricities.
This last month in particular seemed to be wrought with bad choices, from once again meeting all the men from my past I had promised to swear off once and for all, knowing they will never bring any kind of stability or happiness to my life. To giving up what I had thought was my dream career out of fear that I won't be able to get there in a straightforward fashion. To stopping the longest committed relationship I've ever had in my life - with my Yoga mat.
While these thoughts and others spin around wildly and incessantly in my head, I find some solace in hoping that maybe by revisiting all the things I know are bad for me, I'll hopefully recognize and hold onto those things that bring happiness when they come and this time be smart enough to not let go, starting with Ob/Gyn...I find more comfort and use for myself in this field because I know what it's like to be scared and uneducated. In that moment, what you need is someone who understands how to give you what you need, information and emotion. Plus there is no greater feeling than being the first person to let a brand new mother hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. Or to be the one to hand a set of brand-new parents their first child. It's funny that the reasons I thought I was going to hate this field (no men patients?? except the newborn males who need circumcisions..) are now seeming like the perfect reasons for me to be an ob/gyn (Lord knows the last thing I need in my life are any more men and the complications they present).
Tossing and turning in turbulent feelings of confusion, as I try to cope with the daily ebb and flow of my stance on my loneliness I find some comfort in Botticelli's Birth of Venus: A full-grown woman arriving on the sea-shore, great debates rage on as to whether Venus was an earthly goddess arousing physical love in humans or a heavenly goddess inspiring intellectual love. Right now I'm fiercely trying to believe in the ability to be both.
