Removing Barriers

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and remove all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
-Rumi

It's All About the Is-ness

Just having returned from teaching my first ever Guided Meditation, I'm once again humbled by how much power we can hold over the ones who trust us. Whether you are a doctor, banker, teacher, lawyer, mother, brother, friend, lover....the responsibility we ought to feel towards taking care of those connected to us can be so overwhelming that I so often see (and personally am guilty of) shirking of these duties. One may pose the argument that it's out of an attempt at self-preservation but im learning every day just how far from the truth that mentality is.

What are You Afraid of? Commitment for loss of 'self'
What do You Love? Connectedness

These were my answers to an exercise we did one of our first days on this journey. I was upset at first by how seemingly irreconcible my responses were:  If I am to always be afraid that being with someone will ultimately lead to destruction of the idea of 'myself' as I have cultivated it, then are my only options to remain in at best ephemeral relationships or to be alone forever? And neither option comes close to satisfy that which I really love....

My qualms were quelled by a simple revelation by our Sanskrit teacher here. While breaking down mantras from the Upanishads, we digressed into a discussion about the physical body during mediation. There are no coincidences, there's a reason the classic meditation pose involves the hand with thumb and forefinger joined in a circle and the other 3 fingers splayed outwards, fanning away from the body. The accusatory forefinger is Dharginia, representation of Ego, of identifying the separation of You and I (makes sense right? That's why pan-culturally it's so rude to point!) The thumb represents God/Ishwara/Some spirit that is so much greater than anything that you or I can comprehend. The joining together of these fingers into Chin Mudra as it's called is essentially the ultimate recognition that this divine essence resides in every living being and therefore since I am in you (and you and you and you....) and You are in Me, there is no separation, no duality, no opposing forces; we are One, just different expressions of the same, greater and Whole concept. The three fingers represent a falling away of mortal attachments so you're left with a pure representation of the only thing that matters - the divine in me recognizes the divine in you.

Isn't it curious if you take this into the context of the real world how the concept still resonates? Most primitively, the act of sex when done sacredly is the ultimate manifestation of the recognition of divinity in one another. For some, drugs or alcohol elicit the same acknowledgment of the higher powers in others. Why are we so drawn to people who are so attuned to their prowess in academia or in a spiritual realm? Or to people who are 'good' at yoga? Initially it's perhaps because we too crave to emulate their expressions (I wish I could lecture like that, wish I could be as spiritually sound, wish my body could look like that) but ultimately, it's because we see something in 'them' that we also somehow know is in 'us.' But the irony is that It's already in all of us, we just maybe needed someone to remind us to tap into It!

And therefore, so long as the one I'm meant to continue this quest with (and so, all of us) has attained the same level of understanding and enlightenment, I (and all of us) really can have it all! There can be freedom and love in harmonious coexistence because in their truest expression and cultivation, freedom ultimately leads to love and true love, to freedom.

As I work my way out through the cobwebs, finally gaining a deeper understanding of concepts I had a only been able to create a rudimentary construct of on my own, im happy to be comfortable knowing that my whole and equal is somewhere out there doing the same, because we are all the same. It Is What It Is...But feel free to hurry up finding me :)

Dokter Trina

Following the earthquake off the coast of Sumatra (no worries, Ubud is thankfully no where near the places they were concerned would be affected!) my poor mother put on her Concerned Parent Hat and furiously skyped me to yell at me thousands of miles away, the crux of her irrational fear causing her to question why in the world I had chosen Bali as the launching point for my spiritual journey.

There are no coincidences. The way you do anything is the way you do everything. I've worked so hard to try and shape all the decisions I make and keep the people I do around so that everything and everyone is aligned with the greater purpose I am trying to fully uncover. Mid rant my mother ridiculed my quest to 'find myself' to which I had to correct her - this journey was not about some fluffy concept of retreating to the tropics with like minded hippies to try and be something im not for a little while. This was never about finding myself as I've never really ever felt lost. This is about understanding myself and only through that process can we understand how to better serve others.

Blips of affirmation are arising just about every moment here. One of the most clear messages I received to confirm that im living life in alignment with purpose was when I had the privilage to put on my Doctor Hat just a few days into the teacher training. The heat here can be stifiling, and coupled with all the rigorous physical exertion we're undergoing and most of our dietary changes lending more towards juice fasts, raw diets and just generally less consumption it was inevitable that people were going to start falling ill if not careful. One of the students became so dehydrated that she fainted during the middle of the session. Thankfully I recognized that the situation was not life threatening so when people started screaming that she was having a seizure I was able to check her vital signs, capillary refill, turgor etc and jump into action elevating her heart over head and making sure she was prepared to throw up when she came to post vaso-vagal syncope. It was humbling that the program directors trusted me to take charge and we didn't have to send her to the hospital, which would have been a feat in Ubud. On top of that, I was able to give a lecture on ways to properly counteract fluid and electrolyte deficits and signs and symptoms to be aware of. I love helping people but that was one of the first times I really began to understand just how much of an impact I have the potential to make on society and what a privilege it is to know as much as I know! I've earned a new nickname now as several of my classmates now refer to me as Dokter Trina.

The past 6 days have been mentally, physically and emotionally challenging on all levels as very tragic and personal issues close to home and my heart have occurred during this time too. But instead of internalizing and festering with the pain, Im coming to see that It's All About the Is-ness. More to come on this concept soon :D

Wishing you all may one day be able to also find a way to step out of the darkness and closer towards the Light <3

In Tune with Intuition

28 students from around the world: 28 different jobs, different backgrounds, different experience, different types of baggage. The past 3 days of the program have been a full force plunge into the Ego's favorite pastime - learning how to get rid of the Ego.

The structure of the program is simple: 6:30am-9am we meditate and do a full vinyasa flow class. 10:30am-12:30pm we have philosphical instruction on the principles and types of yoga as it stems from Hindu cosmology and extends to a tool for reckoning with the forces within on a microcosmic level. From 2pm-4pm we practice breaking down each pose to the breath and learn to structure and teach a class. 4-6:30pm we have a Yin Yoga to reconcile the day's worth of mental and physical stretching.

What I can't as succintly quantitate is the churning up and upheaval of the impurities from within that is taking place each microsecond of the day. Imagine for a moment that you're in the world's most spiritual mecca, surrounded by lush greenery, the kindest souls you will ever meet, raw foods restaurants at every corner, other beings on a similar quest for enlightenment, constant gratitude and effervescent love, I could go on and on....

In short, I can't even begin to chronicle the type of journey that is underway but I can spread bits of the wisdom im acquiring in an effort to hope that you too may one day find a way to manifest tthe support and love that you need in order to live your life as perfectly as you're meant to, sins, faiths, transgressions, morals and all. I've always had an inkling that it's not what you do in life that's important, but rather it's with what intentions you execute each action. Just one step on this path to spiritual prosperity and im already realizing just how in tune with Tantric and Hatha Yogic philosophy I've already been living my life for years and years, I just could never put a name to it. Tantric and Hatha Yoga speak to the idea of recognizing that we live in a world of material sins and rather than to forsake them and society altogether, in order to rise above you must actually experience all those impurities and tendencies within yourself in order to be able to purge yourself of them. Keeping in mind again that you're doing so with the idea of 'Ahimsa' or non-violence so as not to interfere with any one else's spiritual quest.

Just as the universe has gone through periods of massive expansion, only to grow so quickly that the energy causes it to actually collapse and disappear on itself, so too we as microcosmic manifestions of this greater idea will go through our highest of highs and fall into lowest of lows, only to know from past experience that we will one day rise again. The key is to truly know ourselves so we know next time what direction to grow in. And paradoxically, the more we work to better ourselves for others, the more we get and grow in return.

Lots going on back home that came up suddenly which had me a mess yesterday. Today my practice is dedicated to sustaining and nurturing a newly awakened sense of self so that I may better serve those that enter into my energetic space. I bid you all Welcome.

Monkey See, Monkey do Better...

It's ironic how it's not until you're as far away from safety and familiarity as possible that you appreciate how truly comfortable you are in your own skin. I oftentimes used to worry that my rash and whimsical decisions were rooted in a callouseness hardened by disregard for societal norms. while that may still be the case, i've come to realize that that's not where the story ends. I've watched my friends, family, lovers, acquaintances etc evolve over the years and have seen that the ones I still have the capacity to care for are those who embody similar ideals. The strong willed and the wild, the compassionate and the passionate...these are the personalities that fuel me and vice versa and are the ones who have helped me to realize that we are all individually better than ok, we're great! Never have I felt more strengthened by the ones I love nor felt as independent and capable as I do now. Before leaving for Bali, my shakti goddess girlfriends and I reunited and within each we saw and reaffirmed that we will never need anyone else to validate who we are. We've learned how to admire but also how to achieve when inspired. We've learned to love others but more imprtantly, ourselves. We have blossomed and yet, rooted as well.

This feeling of power has carried over, thousands of miles across the seas to Indonesia. Arrriving in the dead of the night, having to arrange a car to carry me an hour further into the bowels of the country I somehow felt not an iota of fear. The Balinese are incomprehensibly gracious and helpful. The air here is perfumed with heady incense and laughter. Even though im staying in a family homestay, i feel like im living in a temple (pic of my abode attached to this post!)

This morning, restless from a night of visitations in my dreams I woke at 5am to the sun rising outside my balcony window. Without a moment's hesitation, I had slipped on my running shoes and without map or phone, took off in a direction that seemed to beckon. The next 6 miles were marked by a series of events, as connected as they are unrelated. My first stop on my journey had me stumbling into Monkey Forest temple. I ran through throngs of wild monkeys on the footpath and their babies playfully scampered along at my feet. emerging from what I thought to be the other side, I found myself in a rice paddy field. I was approached by a man in his fifties and his dog. He offered to walk me around the desolate paddy fields and without a second thought I was trotting along after his golden retriever. We came across his cousin's store and out of young green coconuts we sipped the sweet milk and chatted about our lives, his in Ubud and mine in Florida. With the last dregs of the fragrant nectar he then offered to show me his home. Figuring I had already spent over an hour with this complete stranger I happily traipsed through alleyways until we arrived at his compound. After playing with his nephews and accepting some fruits from his wife to bring as an offerring to the temples I plan on seeing later today, we parted ways with sweaty sticky hugs that the climate facilitates.

I've discovered a favorite cafe of mine nearby that boasts the most hippy and free-love mentality embodying clan of young and old alike. I feel at home in my green harem pants and mala beads. The only item that gives me away as a foreigner is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo that is creeping out of my embroidered shoulder bag. Sipping on my tumeric and aloe juice, some young people who also live in new york stike up conversation. After exchanging information im off for my first official yoga class of the program. This next month will be marked by being receptive to new ideas, people, information while all the ways still staying true to myself. Something tells me that ill be returning same-same....but different (bonus points for those of you who caught that Salman Rushdie reference)

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead...

Tumultuous as the past few weeks may have been, it is far better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...especially when those who were lost find their way back...

It's been so long since I've heard that 4 lettered word uttered from someone whom I felt the same for. Love is such a funny thing - we fight so hard to hide it though we carelessly leave behind us a trail littered with signs of its presence. For a long time it's only been family and a select few girl friends who I've shared that word with. But long before and then again now, there's been him. My heart aches that we have to now say our goodbyes. Forget about The First Love, this is The True Love.

I found pictures of us from years ago, back when our romance was first flourishing in the heat of trips to Miami and Trinidad. Now we have become more brazen and my camera captures sweet moments abroad and in the tropics. But no matter where the location of our adventures, the passion still burns the same, if not brighter. To douse the flames, I'm trying to drown myself in the guiltless love of family and friends.

And I'd like to think my move to NYC is going to quell the burn though thanks to his infinite kindness and big heart, where I'll be staying the first 2 weeks is going to be a constant reminder of him. Thankfully so though - as always he remains in my heart as the most stable and dependable man I've ever known.

Do you think that we can really love twice? I'm hoping so because he's said he doesn't think it wise for us to keep on dreaming. I suppose to be together we'd have to change where we are and run the risk of awakening next to someone who is no longer the same person we'd fallen in love with. Regardless, waking up alone I fear is going to be so hard to do...

The Man and the Rock

There once was a man who devoted his whole life to pleasing God. Every morning he would wake up and pray and ask God what it was that He desired he do for Him. One night, God spoke to the man in his sleep and said, "Go outside and push that rock." The next morning, the man walked out of his house and saw there was enormous boulder in his front yard. For days the man pushed as hard as he could, toiling all day and all night until sweat poured down his face and drenched the clothes on his back. The days turned into nights, weeks, months, years - Finally, one morning the man heard another voice in his head. This voice started to question "Why should I keep pushing the rock? I've been slaving for so long and the boulder has never budged even an inch. I've spent all my time pushing against this rock and nothing has happened, I must not be doing something right and have displeased God." And so, the man stopped pushing.

That night, God came to him again his dream. He asked the man, "Why did you stop doing what I asked you to do?" The man responded "God, I spent every waking moment doing what you told me to do but I can not get that boulder to move. Please tell me, what am I doing wrong?" To which God replied "I asked you to push the rock, not to move it. This whole time you thought you were so intently waiting for the rock to change that you neglected to notice any other changes that may have taken place. Look at your arms, they are so strong and sinewy. See how muscular your legs and your back have become. You dedicated everything you had to the task at hand and your mind has become strong and willful like never before. While you were waiting for something to change on the outside, you missed all the change that has happened within."

Reminding myself that sometimes resistance can be a blessing in disguise...

Stuck Between a Rock and Hard Place

One of my favorite yoga teachers once asked:

"Are you reflecting or projecting today?"

We have a tendency to dwell for so long on our problems that a thought as simple as 'Hm. It's been a year and I still havent found anyone I feel like expending the energy to seriously date' quickly morphs into 'Oh my god my ex is already bringing his new girlfriend 3000 miles home to meet his family he's going to get married before me I'm going to die a spinster and alone.' Finally able to recognize the warning signs of the tortuous downward spiral that usually ensues following these types of projections, I wanted to start off today on a more positive note and contemplate the question posed by my much wiser yogi.

Are you capable of viewing your problems for what they really are?
Or do you also want to magnify and project onto others any and all your grievances? It must be the curse of humanity to be so vain as to want to view ourselves in a much larger than context than we really are.

This picture brought me some solace this morning. From the trip to Peru I took with aforementioned ex years back, it's a picture of the rock piles the hikers past had left as they climbed Machu Picchu. As the travelers journey past, each one is supposed to place another rock on top of the last one left behind. If the pile collapses the next hiker starts it all over again. It becomes a marker that represents a single spot that is changed, augmented, sometimes even destroyed by random people who are otherwise unconnected. It makes me think of how far and yet nowhere it seems like I've gone over the past year. Touched by many random people, built up and broken down by the same, and now just waiting for the next traveler to venture past...

Think about and thank the people who have added to and detracted from your rock pile. I figure even if we've fallen down, the next person to come by will shape us in a totally different way.
We hope maybe for the better.

Contagious Creativity

Just because we may find ourselves continuously chasing the same goals doesn't mean that the path by which we choose to pursue those ideals need stay the same. Don't be afraid of the unexpected bridges you may have to cross. Delight in the moments you're inspired to stop and admire the flowers you're running past. Slow Down.

We're all in such a rush to get no where.

It took an impromptu visit from my younger, more cerebral brother last night to remind me once again of the privileges we enjoy: Though we posses a sound body, mind and soul, why is it sometimes so easy to forget all we're blessed with and become caught up in our insecurities? One of my favorite parts of medicine is that by constantly being surrounded by the elements of human suffering, it teaches us to look past the magnifications of our own worries and address concerns of life and death - which is really the only worry of any lasting consequence.

Take a step back. Breathe. Analyze.

Allow your own fears to be dwarfed so you can make room to be compassionate about those of others.

Kicking around the sand in the sunset, as we walked along the beach my brother posed an interesting query: Is the human race akin to a parasite? We thrive off leeching resources and in the process cause the demise of those we are dependent on. Taken on a personal scale, we as children drain our parents with our monetary requirements and the emotional strain of child-rearing. As adults, we exploit the weaknesses of our cohorts for personal advancement. As a society, we suck the earth dry of natural resources so we can further pollute the environment. As a political entity, we are warring with countries for what? To establish our military superiority? To gain control of materialistic resources? The irony lay in the fact of how circuitous all the aforementioned pursuits are. We assert dominance to further personal gains but at the end of the day are we really any better off holistically? And isn't that what living with a good quality of life is all about...

Gratitude

Saturday Morning: I woke up at 6am today to go pre-round at the hospital and get patients ready for discharge in an attempt to impress my Attending. The first comment he makes on my hours of work? "You wrote the prescription for Percocet incorrectly."

It's now 11:30am and I'm still in the hospital. On the 10th floor in my secret study room. Starting once again to feel frustration creeping back in, I take a break to glance outside the window and see this:






I laugh, thinking how many little signs from the Universe I must have missed for the wise ones above to finally hit me over the head with a message I can't ignore.

Currently feeling grateful for ubiquitous love, as amorphous and undirected as it may be. Look around you:

What signs from the Universe are you not seeing? What are you happy for today?

Sea Dreamer

"When you sail to find me
Let the wind remind thee
Of a shipwrecked sailor that was saved by a maiden
And sent out to sea
That's where I'll be
A million, million miles away
Sea dreamer 'til my dying day..."

Advice

Best piece of advice - As narrated by my attending this morning:

It is far better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable

Take time to enjoy the pleasures of being selfish when you can.
And when you start to feel the urge to be domesticated:
1). Bake some vegan muffins - for the office
2). Cuddle a baby - your Attending's
3). Go out to a fancy dinner - with Drug Reps
4). Chat on the phone with someone inspirational - your mother, girlfriends, pretty boys you call friends.
5). Look at it not as nights alone, but rather as evenings you can spend enjoying the sunset in peaceful silence.

These moments like all the rest are fleeting. Embrace them when you can but also, don't be afraid of letting go...

Mothers

"I still hear you humming, Mama. The color of your song calls me home. The color of your words saying, "Let her be. She got a right to be different. She gonna stumble on herself one of these days. Just let the child be." And I be, Mama." - Sonia Sanchez

God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers

No one will ever love you as much or know you as well as your mom. Love her, cherish her and above all else, listen to HER. I love you mommy for always knowing best how to get me out of a dark place and back into the light.

Rebirth

The irony hit today so I knew the attempt at verbal rationalization was in close pursuit..

The time occupying the days between October and now was comprised of 2 cups of self-deprecation, 3 tbsp of selfishness, a pinch of sadism baked in a complete lack of control, at high heat for about 150 days. Topped with a light dusting of hopelessness, just to really seal in the flavor. But like all things left out and unattended, this worthless concoction also started to lose its edible integrity and I think it's now finally time to take out the trash.

How is it that even after we've learned our lessons and vowed never to start studying the night before a test/date that man and men like him/pretend chocolate holds complete nutritious value/stop doing yoga it's so easy to overnight forget the ideals we know we should live our lives by and relapse back into old, bad habits? It's not like it's by any means any easier or more enjoyable to live life making bad choices...In fact, as I've discovered, it's far more emotionally and physically exhausting! So I'm trying to understand where the appeal is in knowingly doing things you know are detrimental to your well being. Or am I the only crazy person here? These days I can't say I feel the least bit normal or connected to anyone anymore. I've always lived in a bubble but now it seems like these days the soapy membrane doesn't extend beyond myself and my eccentricities.

This last month in particular seemed to be wrought with bad choices, from once again meeting all the men from my past I had promised to swear off once and for all, knowing they will never bring any kind of stability or happiness to my life. To giving up what I had thought was my dream career out of fear that I won't be able to get there in a straightforward fashion. To stopping the longest committed relationship I've ever had in my life - with my Yoga mat.

While these thoughts and others spin around wildly and incessantly in my head, I find some solace in hoping that maybe by revisiting all the things I know are bad for me, I'll hopefully recognize and hold onto those things that bring happiness when they come and this time be smart enough to not let go, starting with Ob/Gyn...I find more comfort and use for myself in this field because I know what it's like to be scared and uneducated. In that moment, what you need is someone who understands how to give you what you need, information and emotion. Plus there is no greater feeling than being the first person to let a brand new mother hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. Or to be the one to hand a set of brand-new parents their first child. It's funny that the reasons I thought I was going to hate this field (no men patients?? except the newborn males who need circumcisions..) are now seeming like the perfect reasons for me to be an ob/gyn (Lord knows the last thing I need in my life are any more men and the complications they present).

Tossing and turning in turbulent feelings of confusion, as I try to cope with the daily ebb and flow of my stance on my loneliness I find some comfort in Botticelli's Birth of Venus: A full-grown woman arriving on the sea-shore, great debates rage on as to whether Venus was an earthly goddess arousing physical love in humans or a heavenly goddess inspiring intellectual love. Right now I'm fiercely trying to believe in the ability to be both.

'Tis the Season...

...For helping those less fortunate and other such charitable actions, but never did I think I would fall on the beneficiary end of things!


Always in the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart, I had spent the greater part of the last few months trying to keep thoughts of the First Love out of my head. The latter part of the semester for too many reasons amounted to nothing more than a slowly progressive demise of morale and academic drive and an unusually excessive amount of energy devoted to pondering love lost and fearful musings of it never being created again. It seemed like all around me friends were enjoying fulfillment of the basic human desire for companionship and if not, were at least pursuing loftier and selfless goals...While I felt like I was doomed to continuously swirling for an eternity in Limbo Built for One. Worse still, One Who's Incapable of Growing Personally AND Romantically Under the Pretense (i.e. Excuse) of Med School.


After finallllly enjoying the fruits of a newly blossomed amorous escapade (and then realizing after the fact that I probably once again let the situation prematurely sour as a result of my recent acquisition of paralyzingly terrible insecurities), I randomly received a call from The First Love today. Quick to attribute every instance in life to a sign from above my heart soared on the wings of old affections taking flight.

But much like the lofty Icarus whose pride goaded him to fly too close to the sun, the pithy wax of hope adhering my feathers quickly melted and I plummeted ungracefully back to Earth as The First Love ultimately revealed the basis for the call came from none other than --drum roll please-- my MOTHER. Sensing my pathetically ever growing desire for partnership, my tech savvy mother actually resorted to the medium of FACEBOOK of all things to tell my EX that she was worried about me and to call me. The Kicker? Said Ex is also DATING someone so the phone call and attempt at counsel were done clearly out of pity. Good thing I'm so ridiculously jaded and guarded these days that though I brushed the surface of what's bothering me in my heart I didn't subject myself to the embarassment of actually divulging details. But even still..Now I am no stranger to being in compromising situations but that was one blow to the ego that I doubt I'll recover from anytime soon. I'm ready to just crawl back into my hole of isolation and give up on this thing we call love forever.

Merry Freaking Christmas Eve.

Life's a Marathon, not a Sprint

Do you ever feel the waves of energy pulsating inside you? Turbulent and angry, crashing against the walls of your being, begging for a way out? After spending so much time amongst and talking to loved ones this weekend I began to see just how vital it is to be around those who really care about you in order to keep the energy channels that flow through us all properly aligned. Think of the frustration you feel when you deeply care about someone but that love is unrequited...that panicked feeling that swirls around within you could be assuaged if you could just find the right person to align your energy with. It blows my mind to think of all the misdirected love that's flying around in the universe.

Birthdays always yield gifts that feed the appetites, but along with the materialistic also comes a catering towards the emotions. Those who love you best know how to deliver the presents that will mean the most. To me, it's always been a matter of acknowledgement. We get caught up worrying about our own lives so much that we sometimes forget who else may be thinking of us as well...This year's most meaningful acknowledgement of existence came from The First Love. Though between us lays thousands of miles, a smattering of other romantic casualities on both sides and eons void of communication it always amazes me at how the energy still burns, ever so dimly. It stands to reason that my Replacement Theory (i.e., belief that you will never get over your first love until you are with someone else who is capable of loving you the same -or hopefully more than- the first) hasn't been consummated yet, I still find it intriguing that there is still that underlying energy coursing through me. Though I realize it may not be directed at any more than a mere shadow of a memory of The First Love, it's there; bouncing around through my skin and bones because it's searching for a new destination. If nothing else in the last 24 years of my life, I've learned the importance of conserving that energy. It's inevitable that over time some of it will leak out and decay but I think if you can focus on keeping other important people like friends and family in the equation to recharge yourself with, then it immensely prolongs your energy's half-life.

The First Love used to always tell me that "Life is a marathon, not a sprint" and ironically enough, I'm thinking that the best way to dissipate some of the restlessness I feel inside is to start training for a marathon that's taking place in the Happiest Place on Earth.


Though I'm still brimming with birthday love, I'm currently trying to find a good cap to make sure it doesn't evaporate out any time soon because who knows how long the next drought will last.....


Be cognizant of to whom you're throwing your energy at. Waste yours in one direction and you may not get it back in return when you're in need of it.

Spirituality and Sutures

Nothing will remind you more as to how intellectually insignificant you are than starting your day at 6:45am, sitting in the middle of a table filled with neuro, GI and plastic surgeons. It's not so much the content of the information that was relayed back and forth for 2 hours this morning as it was the sheer confidence that backed the discussions that held me in awe. As I sat, drawing as little attention as possible to myself (for once), I was floored not only at how assiduous these men (yes, they were all men) of genius were, but also by how gracious and truly concerned they were for the patients whose cases we were discussing. Not that I needed any more convincing but nothing could have turned me on to the profession of surgery more than learning that you don't have to be a pompous, self-righteous prick in order to be a great surgeon.

"Mr. S is a truck driver who presented with more fatigue than usual and had lost a couple pounds this month. Upon CT of the abdomen and head yesterday, the poor guy, we discovered that he was suffering from metastatic esophageal cancer that's spread to 12 nodules in his brain and he unfortunately doesn't have more than a couple weeks to live. I couldn't stop thinking about his family, he has 3 little children..." the prominent neurosurgeon lamented.



Though it's only the first day, the Universe has already alerted me to coincidences that I'm convinced I'm not to leave at just that: No syncope with suturing for one (med talk for I didn't make an ass out of myself and pass out while sewing up a patient). My Attending practices yoga and meditation! And of all places, at the same studio I go to! And has an equally intimate relationship with the same teacher that I do. He was a chiropractor in California in his former occupational life and still holds true to the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model I am forever trying to rope others into as well. If that wasn't enough of a sign for me, while the rain poured relentlessly outside of his office during our lunch break, he broke out a secret stash of dark chocolate. While we shared the savory morsels, we divulged information about ourselves to each other that only dear friends and longtime lovers are privy to. 6 hours in and I was feeling more protected and nurtured by this man that I have by any other in a long time. I can't convey how deeply I feel a bond I can only describe as spiritual with him and it's only further intensified by my passion for the line of work that he does. I want to be in his position so badly one day, where I have the ability to not only discuss problems with my patients, but at the end of the day also have the satisfaction of physically being able to remove from their bodies what ails them in their heart as well. Though I'd love nothing more than to be able to sit around and talk about my emotions and the way people and situations make me feel, I for once feel that no amount of musing could adequately convey the relish with which I'm enjoying my newfound bond....as evidenced by my mother who, after I attempted to relay the same sentiments, questioned me in a worried voice, "he's not going to make you fall in love with him, is he?" No mom, totally inappropriate reaction. And he's also married with kids who are almost as old as I am but I pray to God that this kind of connection with someone doesn't just come once in a lifetime! I'm fully aware of how creepy I must sound right now and I need to take a moment to reassure you that no, I'm not by any means lusting after my attending. I'm simply enamored by the fact that someone so brilliant can have such an equally beautiful heart. He resonates an energy that is clearly palpable to the staff and patients as well, it's intoxicating! I think what i feel must be akin to the kind of devotion and adoration people feel towards God, or towards a spouse or towards some power they hold higher than themselves. It's a feeling that I know I'm capable of expressing, but I've long been searching for someone who I feel is worthy of receiving it. What better way to expend that energy on someone who's going to help me grow as a person and become someone who can positively impact society. Who is the person in your life whose brightness is really a reflection of the light burning inside of you? We've all got someone who is capable of giving and receiving the same intensity and matched frequency of the energy you are emitting...
So when you couple his promise to give me my first solo procedures this Friday along with the fact that he gives phenomenal bear hugs...I'm on professional Cloud Nine!!! It's safe to say that I'm now currently in the process of refashioning the plans I had for love, it's slowly being revealed that the intention i had for it was perhaps not the best direction for it anyways..yet.....

Persistence of Memory...and Time

First anecdote: Good news = Today I became a PRO at giving shots. Bad news = the reason why...the last patients of the day that came strolling into the office at 7:30pm would of course be the most complicated and sensitive. To make a very long story short, the husband had recently been abusing IV drugs and neglected to tell his wife of 10 years. The wife had recently been having 'casual', unprotected sex with a neighbor (or two) and neglected to inform her husband. The outcome? He gave her hepatitis B and she gave him chlamydia. NOT a pretty sight (or interview...) So thanks to their absolute disregard for each other I spent my evening loading them both up with preventative shots and immunizations in the hopes that neither contract any more diseases they are now susceptible to. The saddest part was that both husband and wife were extremely intelligent, attractive and successful individuals. And before the interview got started, I was actually admiring how caring they were acting about one another...If today's experience didn't completely shatter my faith in the meaning of relationships then I don't know what will! Moral of the story: Never take anyone's word for granted. Obviously all us unmarried folks should be regularly testing ourselves for STD's (read: after EVERY new encounter..those of you going back and forth between interests, please BE CAREFUL!!!!) but even those in monogamous relationships, take heed! Take measures to protect yourself because at the end of the day, no one is going to care about you as much as YOU care about you.


Second anecdote: Day 1 in my Family Med doctor's office I noticed that every single clock in his establishment was broken. Every single clock (between the waiting room, lobby and 4 patient rooms there were at least 7 clocks) had picked its own, individual time to hover around, second hand futilely trying to click forward but being thrown back to just the second before by some magical battery that had enough juice to keep the hand eternally struggling to reach its desired moment but not enough juice to ever allow resolution. My first few days I mused over how the situation as it stood so beautifully demonstrated the attitude we should exude in our chosen professions and in our personal relationships. There should always be that feeling that what we are striving for is within arm's reach, but always just a bit out of grasp. Allow that longing to move you towards that or whom which you desire to be the energy that will forever propel you. However, I understand that this spiel would be ineffective if the conclusion ended with this philosophy since it would imply that while we may work hard we will never reach our goals but herein lies the denouement...Today when at 7:15am I walked into my first diabetic patient's room, I wasn't as surprised to see his bloody toe nails that his chihuahua tore off in the middle of the night hanging off his foot as I was to see that all the clocks in the rooms were miraculously once again in working order. So toil forth, my weary friends...and should you fatigue, have faith too that the mysterious maintenance man of your inner being will soon replace your batteries to give you the strength to keep on going as well :)


GO GET TESTED! Trust me, it's MUCH better to find out what you have now and get it treated than to have an awkward, 3rd year medical student have to explain to you and your significant other the activities which precipitate contraction of diseases you now have and will be susceptible to in the future, sexually transmitted and otherwise.

I WISH I had this kind of confidence

While at a family Puja a couple weekends ago I ran into a man who happened to stop by the temple. Now while I could plainly see what his intentions were, I thought I did a marvelous job of simultaneously being charming but also keeping the vibe strictly very friendly. When I got home that night, I found this little surprise in my inbox:

It was a pleasure meeting you and your family today at the temple and Krsna has made you very beautiful, I am sharing a nice spiritual story for you on beauty, Hope you like it and find it enlightening,

LIQUID BEAUTY
Once upon a time a prince met very beautiful young girl. He visited her house to see her but she was very chaste. The prince wanted to marry this beautiful girl but she didn’t want to marry him. So she said to him, You want to marry me, you are attracted by my beauty, so I will distill my beauty in the next ten days. So the prince agreed. Then the beautiful girl said, “If you still want to take me as your wife then you can take me.” The prince replied, “All right, that’s fine, I’ll come back in ten days and certainly I’ll take you as my wife my beautiful young maiden.” As soon he left the beautiful young girl started to take very strong purgatives [medicine which would cause her to vomit and pass stool]. She kept all the vomit and stool in a big pot. She didn’t eat anything, she was simply passing stool and vomiting, so within ten days her whole beautiful body was destroyed. She was a gray color, she was very skinny, very weak, you couldn’t recognize her as the same person. After ten days the prince came back to visit the beautiful young girl. She opened the door for him. When the prince saw her he said, “I have come to see one very beautiful lady who I am about to marry.” So the girl said, “I am that beautiful young lady.” He replied, “No it isn’t true. How could it be possible?” She said, “Yes I am that beautiful young lady, I have distilled my beauty, come and see it.” She took the prince to the place where she was keeping the big pot containing all of her stool, vomit and urine and she said, “Here is my beauty.” This is the story of liquid beauty. In reality the material body is simply a bag of pus, stool, urine, blood, mucus, so many horrible things. And we are simply attracted to the beautiful skin and as soon as the skin is no longer beautiful we are not attracted any more.

Our society is simply going on the basis of this “skin disease.” So we see so many divorces and so many marriages. A man is being attracted to a woman on the basis of the skin. He thinks, “Oh, here is a very nice woman. She has very nice hair, a very beautiful complexion, a very nice bodily structure. She is a very beautiful woman.” The woman is thinking in the same way, “This is a very handsome man, he is very strong, very beautiful, a very attractive man.” Then they come together and for a short time enjoy sex life and soon there is some problem with the sex life, some difficulty, so they say, “I’m sorry it’s just not working any more, the magic has gone from our relationship. I have to find somebody else.” Then there is a divorce.

Everything is based on the skin, and the skin is temporary. We can never be satisfied, we can never be happy with a relationship based on the skin because our skin is a very temporary thing.

A beautiful girl is beautiful for a few years only, it is a fleeting moment only. Every body gets old, every body gets sick, every body dies. But we are not the body we are the spirit, the soul. The soul is eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss (sat cit ananda). But currently the soul is covered by the material body and we are misidentifying the body with the self. We think if we satisfy the body we will become satisfied. But, no matter how hard we try to satisfy the body, the soul, the spirit is never satisfied by any amount of material so-called “pleasure.”

If we are attracted by the skin only, the beauty of the skin, we’re bound to be dissatisfied because the person, I, the self, is different from the body. Krishna describes in the Bhagavad-gita (2.13):

dehino ’smin yatha dehe kaumaram yauvanam jara
tatha dehantara-praptir dhiras tatra na muhyati

Here Krishna says the soul, even in this life, is changing bodies. In the beginning we have a child’s body, then we get a boy’s body, then a man’s body then we get an old man’s body, so the time of death is simply another change of body. A self-realized soul can understand this, he can see this.

Our bodies are always changing. You can see. No one can argue with this. It’s a statement of a very plain fact. I have this man’s body now, previously I had a boy’s body, prior to that I had a child’s body and before that a babies body. They are all different bodies.

I can see, my parents have the pictures and they can show you I had these different bodies. Now those bodies have gone. Now I have this man’s body and in due course it will also be finished and I’ll have an old man’s body and ultimately that old mans body will be gone and I will be taken away to another body at the time of death.

This is the process of life and death in the material world. The bodies are changing but the soul is not changing. I the person am the same person I was in the babies body, I’m the same person I was in the child’s body, I’m the same person I was in the boys body. I can remember things, I can remember my childhood body, I can remember my boys body. I can remember the activities I performed in these bodies. These activities are performed by me, but the body I had then is gone. So we can understand that I, the self, the person, I am permanent, I am eternal, but the body is always changing. I am not this body, I am the occupier of this body, I am the driver of this body, I am the controller of this body, but I am not the body. The body is a machine.



I don't know, but I feel like that was a bit too forward, even for me. I understand the sentiment he was trying to express, but really?? Men of the world take note: I would not recommend that your first leap of communication with a love interest be that you tell her that her beauty is only as good as the vomit and fecal matter that's inside her...Needless to say, I wish I had the gonads to be that blunt!

This did get me to thinking though...While I agree that beauty is only skin deep, I don't see any error in keeping self-preservation as part of a spouse hunt pre-requisite. After all, Darwin's entire theory of evolution is based on the principle of survival of the fittest and let's face it, in today's society self-maintenance and the image you portray have almost an equal bearing on your level of success as the amount of raw talent you possess. On the flip side, none of us want a partner who's too in love with themselves so like everything else, it boils down to BALANCE: intellectual, in great form but also with good heart so you dont have to worry about their actions every time they leave the house.

Well Over-Exuberant-Mandir-Man, though I did not respond to your e-mail and probably never will, weeks later I am still sitting here thinking about you so I guess...You win!

Seeking the reassurance of others tonight...

I'm a strong believer that all things come in threes:

1). Somehow, September 1st never registered in my mental calendar...nor did the 2nd or the 3rd or the 8th...and now i owe my apartment complex the monetary equivalent of a business class plane ticket to a remote, exotic country. And trust me, I'd much rather be spending the money on just that. How ironic that I come to find out that I'm to incur such a huge dent in my pocket the day that we have an entire evening of presentations pertaining to money management in medical school. That's it. I'm definitely going to die poor and alone.

2). I did HORRIBLY on a surgery quiz today...and this is the field I want to go into?!?! Sometimes I wonder why I get such a sick pleasure out of chasing the things that are always going to be just a bit out of reach for me. People, situations, you name it. I embody the psychiatric diagnosis of Narcissism; always thinking I deserve the best of the best and then beating myself up when I fall short. The self-worthlessness has been propagated by a wave of negative energy that hit yesterday when I realized that though I may feel like most of the time i have it completely together, the reality is I don't and I won't for a long time. Which wouldn't be disconcerting if I hadn't started to take note recently of the people who are doing the things and being the people that I think I want and want to be.

3). I'm still reeling from the guilt generated by almost killing Captain Ruffles after I left him alone in Daytona for 5 days while I traipsed about Florida. He managed to knock over his food dish at some point and was near death by starvation when I returned on Tuesday.

So moral of the post is: I'm hoping I've exhausted my streak of bad luck?? What a miserable week. Morale is low and for once I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in the near future. Wondering how I'll make it through this one....We've now reached the point where I'm pathetically going to sit back and wait for the comfort from the ones I love to arrive. Come quickly! I need you tonight... :*(