Spirituality and Sutures

Nothing will remind you more as to how intellectually insignificant you are than starting your day at 6:45am, sitting in the middle of a table filled with neuro, GI and plastic surgeons. It's not so much the content of the information that was relayed back and forth for 2 hours this morning as it was the sheer confidence that backed the discussions that held me in awe. As I sat, drawing as little attention as possible to myself (for once), I was floored not only at how assiduous these men (yes, they were all men) of genius were, but also by how gracious and truly concerned they were for the patients whose cases we were discussing. Not that I needed any more convincing but nothing could have turned me on to the profession of surgery more than learning that you don't have to be a pompous, self-righteous prick in order to be a great surgeon.

"Mr. S is a truck driver who presented with more fatigue than usual and had lost a couple pounds this month. Upon CT of the abdomen and head yesterday, the poor guy, we discovered that he was suffering from metastatic esophageal cancer that's spread to 12 nodules in his brain and he unfortunately doesn't have more than a couple weeks to live. I couldn't stop thinking about his family, he has 3 little children..." the prominent neurosurgeon lamented.



Though it's only the first day, the Universe has already alerted me to coincidences that I'm convinced I'm not to leave at just that: No syncope with suturing for one (med talk for I didn't make an ass out of myself and pass out while sewing up a patient). My Attending practices yoga and meditation! And of all places, at the same studio I go to! And has an equally intimate relationship with the same teacher that I do. He was a chiropractor in California in his former occupational life and still holds true to the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model I am forever trying to rope others into as well. If that wasn't enough of a sign for me, while the rain poured relentlessly outside of his office during our lunch break, he broke out a secret stash of dark chocolate. While we shared the savory morsels, we divulged information about ourselves to each other that only dear friends and longtime lovers are privy to. 6 hours in and I was feeling more protected and nurtured by this man that I have by any other in a long time. I can't convey how deeply I feel a bond I can only describe as spiritual with him and it's only further intensified by my passion for the line of work that he does. I want to be in his position so badly one day, where I have the ability to not only discuss problems with my patients, but at the end of the day also have the satisfaction of physically being able to remove from their bodies what ails them in their heart as well. Though I'd love nothing more than to be able to sit around and talk about my emotions and the way people and situations make me feel, I for once feel that no amount of musing could adequately convey the relish with which I'm enjoying my newfound bond....as evidenced by my mother who, after I attempted to relay the same sentiments, questioned me in a worried voice, "he's not going to make you fall in love with him, is he?" No mom, totally inappropriate reaction. And he's also married with kids who are almost as old as I am but I pray to God that this kind of connection with someone doesn't just come once in a lifetime! I'm fully aware of how creepy I must sound right now and I need to take a moment to reassure you that no, I'm not by any means lusting after my attending. I'm simply enamored by the fact that someone so brilliant can have such an equally beautiful heart. He resonates an energy that is clearly palpable to the staff and patients as well, it's intoxicating! I think what i feel must be akin to the kind of devotion and adoration people feel towards God, or towards a spouse or towards some power they hold higher than themselves. It's a feeling that I know I'm capable of expressing, but I've long been searching for someone who I feel is worthy of receiving it. What better way to expend that energy on someone who's going to help me grow as a person and become someone who can positively impact society. Who is the person in your life whose brightness is really a reflection of the light burning inside of you? We've all got someone who is capable of giving and receiving the same intensity and matched frequency of the energy you are emitting...
So when you couple his promise to give me my first solo procedures this Friday along with the fact that he gives phenomenal bear hugs...I'm on professional Cloud Nine!!! It's safe to say that I'm now currently in the process of refashioning the plans I had for love, it's slowly being revealed that the intention i had for it was perhaps not the best direction for it anyways..yet.....