Independence

Nearly a 5 month hiatus and a lifetime of changes later, I finally decided to re-initiate posting the quirky insights I encounter by the mere fate of being myself. I chose this day to start as August 15 concurrently marks the Indian Independence Day and nothing gives me more pleasure in life than being able to attribute coincidences as symbols of fate. To be brief, I felt it very fitting that today not only marks my motherland's 64th year of independence from British rule, but that it should also be the day of my first posting from within my own sovereignty. While there have been several developments since the original Freedom for Foodie posts, some of the more notable are that I forsook raw foods and instead opted for balance, I survived my board exams, moved to a new city and probably most importantly, managed to extract myself out of yet another (surprise) unhealthy relationship. I've spent the past 3 months uncovering and polishing the stone of self-worth that had begun to become buried, tarnished and near forgotten and recently I'd even began to think that it had been shining brighter than it ever had. Though I'd been feeling like things couldn't be going any better, I was once again reminded today that there is no destination to the journey I'm on; while I'm loving the ride, it's important for me to constantly find ways to keep the hunger alive because that's the fuel that's going to keep me going. And of course, the drive is never smooth, nor is it always a straight path. Right now I can tell that I'm going off into woods again where there is going to be uncertainty...There are new strangers I'm meeting along the way and I am trying to decipher if they mean well or if I should steer clear. Part of me wants to be so daring as to let these newcomers' maps become my own but I'm not sure if I feel like I've completed enough of the journey on my own yet...

Ok too much existential speaking, if I haven't already lost you I feel like I'm definitely confusing myself now as well. I've been reading Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and I think I'm starting to adopt his tangential thought process...I was always one to be influenced easily! All in all, I can say I'm very thoroughly pleased with where my road is going and I feel very blessed for the people I've encountered in the past few weeks. Blessed because they've enriched parts of my life that I can't tend to by myself and because no matter what I'd like to think, it's not always better to be alone..

The only complaint i have now is that allowing some of the aforementioned people to play such a large role in defining myself is that it necessitates breaking down some of the walls of the fortress I've built around myself. Though maybe it's not so much breaking as it is reconstructing...whatever it may be, I'm not sure if it's settling well because I can feel emotions wanting to break through the flood gates. I cried to a Paramore song today on my ride back to Daytona. The tears were falling with:

"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with this loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk"

But then the tears came to a screeching halt with the next line:
"But you are the only exception"

I hate being so openly emo but that was definitely my psyche telling me to save the tears because there's no one to shed them over yet. but that's not to say that i'm not wishing there were.

Hopefully this will be last sappy post for a while. I think it stemmed from me reading the journal I was keeping when I was off doing my Integrative Medicine retreat program in Mass. after my boards. Most of my entries then revolved around the mess I was in that didn't until recently work itself out. But the shock of what happened in retrospect I guess runs deeper than I'd like to let it. It's also probably because I miss being in an environment that was as nurturing as Kripalu was. I'm so grateful that I had that week of experiences but I'm greedy and need more of being surrounded by people as caring and open-minded as I was then. I'll be dreaming of them fondly tonight :)

Family medicine starts tomorrow! An entire psychiatry rotation went by and I'm lamenting that I didn't re-open this blog sooner because I missed out on so many wonderful opportunities to document some life-changing encounters. There is just so much to say right now about everything I think I'll stop trying to recreate the past and instead just focus on one memory for now. I'll go with the acupuncture workshop we did at Kripalu because that was one of the first times that I felt like i was allowed to delve into something unknown without letting the voice of my critical conscience scare me to inaction. We grabbed those needles and went at it..thanks to all my fellow healers who were there for such a unique learning experience, this picture is for you guys! (sorry you cant really see the needles too well)



And now, time to turn my ADD brain OFF. at least for a little while...Jai Hind! :D