'Tis the Season...

...For helping those less fortunate and other such charitable actions, but never did I think I would fall on the beneficiary end of things!


Always in the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart, I had spent the greater part of the last few months trying to keep thoughts of the First Love out of my head. The latter part of the semester for too many reasons amounted to nothing more than a slowly progressive demise of morale and academic drive and an unusually excessive amount of energy devoted to pondering love lost and fearful musings of it never being created again. It seemed like all around me friends were enjoying fulfillment of the basic human desire for companionship and if not, were at least pursuing loftier and selfless goals...While I felt like I was doomed to continuously swirling for an eternity in Limbo Built for One. Worse still, One Who's Incapable of Growing Personally AND Romantically Under the Pretense (i.e. Excuse) of Med School.


After finallllly enjoying the fruits of a newly blossomed amorous escapade (and then realizing after the fact that I probably once again let the situation prematurely sour as a result of my recent acquisition of paralyzingly terrible insecurities), I randomly received a call from The First Love today. Quick to attribute every instance in life to a sign from above my heart soared on the wings of old affections taking flight.

But much like the lofty Icarus whose pride goaded him to fly too close to the sun, the pithy wax of hope adhering my feathers quickly melted and I plummeted ungracefully back to Earth as The First Love ultimately revealed the basis for the call came from none other than --drum roll please-- my MOTHER. Sensing my pathetically ever growing desire for partnership, my tech savvy mother actually resorted to the medium of FACEBOOK of all things to tell my EX that she was worried about me and to call me. The Kicker? Said Ex is also DATING someone so the phone call and attempt at counsel were done clearly out of pity. Good thing I'm so ridiculously jaded and guarded these days that though I brushed the surface of what's bothering me in my heart I didn't subject myself to the embarassment of actually divulging details. But even still..Now I am no stranger to being in compromising situations but that was one blow to the ego that I doubt I'll recover from anytime soon. I'm ready to just crawl back into my hole of isolation and give up on this thing we call love forever.

Merry Freaking Christmas Eve.

Life's a Marathon, not a Sprint

Do you ever feel the waves of energy pulsating inside you? Turbulent and angry, crashing against the walls of your being, begging for a way out? After spending so much time amongst and talking to loved ones this weekend I began to see just how vital it is to be around those who really care about you in order to keep the energy channels that flow through us all properly aligned. Think of the frustration you feel when you deeply care about someone but that love is unrequited...that panicked feeling that swirls around within you could be assuaged if you could just find the right person to align your energy with. It blows my mind to think of all the misdirected love that's flying around in the universe.

Birthdays always yield gifts that feed the appetites, but along with the materialistic also comes a catering towards the emotions. Those who love you best know how to deliver the presents that will mean the most. To me, it's always been a matter of acknowledgement. We get caught up worrying about our own lives so much that we sometimes forget who else may be thinking of us as well...This year's most meaningful acknowledgement of existence came from The First Love. Though between us lays thousands of miles, a smattering of other romantic casualities on both sides and eons void of communication it always amazes me at how the energy still burns, ever so dimly. It stands to reason that my Replacement Theory (i.e., belief that you will never get over your first love until you are with someone else who is capable of loving you the same -or hopefully more than- the first) hasn't been consummated yet, I still find it intriguing that there is still that underlying energy coursing through me. Though I realize it may not be directed at any more than a mere shadow of a memory of The First Love, it's there; bouncing around through my skin and bones because it's searching for a new destination. If nothing else in the last 24 years of my life, I've learned the importance of conserving that energy. It's inevitable that over time some of it will leak out and decay but I think if you can focus on keeping other important people like friends and family in the equation to recharge yourself with, then it immensely prolongs your energy's half-life.

The First Love used to always tell me that "Life is a marathon, not a sprint" and ironically enough, I'm thinking that the best way to dissipate some of the restlessness I feel inside is to start training for a marathon that's taking place in the Happiest Place on Earth.


Though I'm still brimming with birthday love, I'm currently trying to find a good cap to make sure it doesn't evaporate out any time soon because who knows how long the next drought will last.....


Be cognizant of to whom you're throwing your energy at. Waste yours in one direction and you may not get it back in return when you're in need of it.

Spirituality and Sutures

Nothing will remind you more as to how intellectually insignificant you are than starting your day at 6:45am, sitting in the middle of a table filled with neuro, GI and plastic surgeons. It's not so much the content of the information that was relayed back and forth for 2 hours this morning as it was the sheer confidence that backed the discussions that held me in awe. As I sat, drawing as little attention as possible to myself (for once), I was floored not only at how assiduous these men (yes, they were all men) of genius were, but also by how gracious and truly concerned they were for the patients whose cases we were discussing. Not that I needed any more convincing but nothing could have turned me on to the profession of surgery more than learning that you don't have to be a pompous, self-righteous prick in order to be a great surgeon.

"Mr. S is a truck driver who presented with more fatigue than usual and had lost a couple pounds this month. Upon CT of the abdomen and head yesterday, the poor guy, we discovered that he was suffering from metastatic esophageal cancer that's spread to 12 nodules in his brain and he unfortunately doesn't have more than a couple weeks to live. I couldn't stop thinking about his family, he has 3 little children..." the prominent neurosurgeon lamented.



Though it's only the first day, the Universe has already alerted me to coincidences that I'm convinced I'm not to leave at just that: No syncope with suturing for one (med talk for I didn't make an ass out of myself and pass out while sewing up a patient). My Attending practices yoga and meditation! And of all places, at the same studio I go to! And has an equally intimate relationship with the same teacher that I do. He was a chiropractor in California in his former occupational life and still holds true to the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model I am forever trying to rope others into as well. If that wasn't enough of a sign for me, while the rain poured relentlessly outside of his office during our lunch break, he broke out a secret stash of dark chocolate. While we shared the savory morsels, we divulged information about ourselves to each other that only dear friends and longtime lovers are privy to. 6 hours in and I was feeling more protected and nurtured by this man that I have by any other in a long time. I can't convey how deeply I feel a bond I can only describe as spiritual with him and it's only further intensified by my passion for the line of work that he does. I want to be in his position so badly one day, where I have the ability to not only discuss problems with my patients, but at the end of the day also have the satisfaction of physically being able to remove from their bodies what ails them in their heart as well. Though I'd love nothing more than to be able to sit around and talk about my emotions and the way people and situations make me feel, I for once feel that no amount of musing could adequately convey the relish with which I'm enjoying my newfound bond....as evidenced by my mother who, after I attempted to relay the same sentiments, questioned me in a worried voice, "he's not going to make you fall in love with him, is he?" No mom, totally inappropriate reaction. And he's also married with kids who are almost as old as I am but I pray to God that this kind of connection with someone doesn't just come once in a lifetime! I'm fully aware of how creepy I must sound right now and I need to take a moment to reassure you that no, I'm not by any means lusting after my attending. I'm simply enamored by the fact that someone so brilliant can have such an equally beautiful heart. He resonates an energy that is clearly palpable to the staff and patients as well, it's intoxicating! I think what i feel must be akin to the kind of devotion and adoration people feel towards God, or towards a spouse or towards some power they hold higher than themselves. It's a feeling that I know I'm capable of expressing, but I've long been searching for someone who I feel is worthy of receiving it. What better way to expend that energy on someone who's going to help me grow as a person and become someone who can positively impact society. Who is the person in your life whose brightness is really a reflection of the light burning inside of you? We've all got someone who is capable of giving and receiving the same intensity and matched frequency of the energy you are emitting...
So when you couple his promise to give me my first solo procedures this Friday along with the fact that he gives phenomenal bear hugs...I'm on professional Cloud Nine!!! It's safe to say that I'm now currently in the process of refashioning the plans I had for love, it's slowly being revealed that the intention i had for it was perhaps not the best direction for it anyways..yet.....

Persistence of Memory...and Time

First anecdote: Good news = Today I became a PRO at giving shots. Bad news = the reason why...the last patients of the day that came strolling into the office at 7:30pm would of course be the most complicated and sensitive. To make a very long story short, the husband had recently been abusing IV drugs and neglected to tell his wife of 10 years. The wife had recently been having 'casual', unprotected sex with a neighbor (or two) and neglected to inform her husband. The outcome? He gave her hepatitis B and she gave him chlamydia. NOT a pretty sight (or interview...) So thanks to their absolute disregard for each other I spent my evening loading them both up with preventative shots and immunizations in the hopes that neither contract any more diseases they are now susceptible to. The saddest part was that both husband and wife were extremely intelligent, attractive and successful individuals. And before the interview got started, I was actually admiring how caring they were acting about one another...If today's experience didn't completely shatter my faith in the meaning of relationships then I don't know what will! Moral of the story: Never take anyone's word for granted. Obviously all us unmarried folks should be regularly testing ourselves for STD's (read: after EVERY new encounter..those of you going back and forth between interests, please BE CAREFUL!!!!) but even those in monogamous relationships, take heed! Take measures to protect yourself because at the end of the day, no one is going to care about you as much as YOU care about you.


Second anecdote: Day 1 in my Family Med doctor's office I noticed that every single clock in his establishment was broken. Every single clock (between the waiting room, lobby and 4 patient rooms there were at least 7 clocks) had picked its own, individual time to hover around, second hand futilely trying to click forward but being thrown back to just the second before by some magical battery that had enough juice to keep the hand eternally struggling to reach its desired moment but not enough juice to ever allow resolution. My first few days I mused over how the situation as it stood so beautifully demonstrated the attitude we should exude in our chosen professions and in our personal relationships. There should always be that feeling that what we are striving for is within arm's reach, but always just a bit out of grasp. Allow that longing to move you towards that or whom which you desire to be the energy that will forever propel you. However, I understand that this spiel would be ineffective if the conclusion ended with this philosophy since it would imply that while we may work hard we will never reach our goals but herein lies the denouement...Today when at 7:15am I walked into my first diabetic patient's room, I wasn't as surprised to see his bloody toe nails that his chihuahua tore off in the middle of the night hanging off his foot as I was to see that all the clocks in the rooms were miraculously once again in working order. So toil forth, my weary friends...and should you fatigue, have faith too that the mysterious maintenance man of your inner being will soon replace your batteries to give you the strength to keep on going as well :)


GO GET TESTED! Trust me, it's MUCH better to find out what you have now and get it treated than to have an awkward, 3rd year medical student have to explain to you and your significant other the activities which precipitate contraction of diseases you now have and will be susceptible to in the future, sexually transmitted and otherwise.

I WISH I had this kind of confidence

While at a family Puja a couple weekends ago I ran into a man who happened to stop by the temple. Now while I could plainly see what his intentions were, I thought I did a marvelous job of simultaneously being charming but also keeping the vibe strictly very friendly. When I got home that night, I found this little surprise in my inbox:

It was a pleasure meeting you and your family today at the temple and Krsna has made you very beautiful, I am sharing a nice spiritual story for you on beauty, Hope you like it and find it enlightening,

LIQUID BEAUTY
Once upon a time a prince met very beautiful young girl. He visited her house to see her but she was very chaste. The prince wanted to marry this beautiful girl but she didn’t want to marry him. So she said to him, You want to marry me, you are attracted by my beauty, so I will distill my beauty in the next ten days. So the prince agreed. Then the beautiful girl said, “If you still want to take me as your wife then you can take me.” The prince replied, “All right, that’s fine, I’ll come back in ten days and certainly I’ll take you as my wife my beautiful young maiden.” As soon he left the beautiful young girl started to take very strong purgatives [medicine which would cause her to vomit and pass stool]. She kept all the vomit and stool in a big pot. She didn’t eat anything, she was simply passing stool and vomiting, so within ten days her whole beautiful body was destroyed. She was a gray color, she was very skinny, very weak, you couldn’t recognize her as the same person. After ten days the prince came back to visit the beautiful young girl. She opened the door for him. When the prince saw her he said, “I have come to see one very beautiful lady who I am about to marry.” So the girl said, “I am that beautiful young lady.” He replied, “No it isn’t true. How could it be possible?” She said, “Yes I am that beautiful young lady, I have distilled my beauty, come and see it.” She took the prince to the place where she was keeping the big pot containing all of her stool, vomit and urine and she said, “Here is my beauty.” This is the story of liquid beauty. In reality the material body is simply a bag of pus, stool, urine, blood, mucus, so many horrible things. And we are simply attracted to the beautiful skin and as soon as the skin is no longer beautiful we are not attracted any more.

Our society is simply going on the basis of this “skin disease.” So we see so many divorces and so many marriages. A man is being attracted to a woman on the basis of the skin. He thinks, “Oh, here is a very nice woman. She has very nice hair, a very beautiful complexion, a very nice bodily structure. She is a very beautiful woman.” The woman is thinking in the same way, “This is a very handsome man, he is very strong, very beautiful, a very attractive man.” Then they come together and for a short time enjoy sex life and soon there is some problem with the sex life, some difficulty, so they say, “I’m sorry it’s just not working any more, the magic has gone from our relationship. I have to find somebody else.” Then there is a divorce.

Everything is based on the skin, and the skin is temporary. We can never be satisfied, we can never be happy with a relationship based on the skin because our skin is a very temporary thing.

A beautiful girl is beautiful for a few years only, it is a fleeting moment only. Every body gets old, every body gets sick, every body dies. But we are not the body we are the spirit, the soul. The soul is eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss (sat cit ananda). But currently the soul is covered by the material body and we are misidentifying the body with the self. We think if we satisfy the body we will become satisfied. But, no matter how hard we try to satisfy the body, the soul, the spirit is never satisfied by any amount of material so-called “pleasure.”

If we are attracted by the skin only, the beauty of the skin, we’re bound to be dissatisfied because the person, I, the self, is different from the body. Krishna describes in the Bhagavad-gita (2.13):

dehino ’smin yatha dehe kaumaram yauvanam jara
tatha dehantara-praptir dhiras tatra na muhyati

Here Krishna says the soul, even in this life, is changing bodies. In the beginning we have a child’s body, then we get a boy’s body, then a man’s body then we get an old man’s body, so the time of death is simply another change of body. A self-realized soul can understand this, he can see this.

Our bodies are always changing. You can see. No one can argue with this. It’s a statement of a very plain fact. I have this man’s body now, previously I had a boy’s body, prior to that I had a child’s body and before that a babies body. They are all different bodies.

I can see, my parents have the pictures and they can show you I had these different bodies. Now those bodies have gone. Now I have this man’s body and in due course it will also be finished and I’ll have an old man’s body and ultimately that old mans body will be gone and I will be taken away to another body at the time of death.

This is the process of life and death in the material world. The bodies are changing but the soul is not changing. I the person am the same person I was in the babies body, I’m the same person I was in the child’s body, I’m the same person I was in the boys body. I can remember things, I can remember my childhood body, I can remember my boys body. I can remember the activities I performed in these bodies. These activities are performed by me, but the body I had then is gone. So we can understand that I, the self, the person, I am permanent, I am eternal, but the body is always changing. I am not this body, I am the occupier of this body, I am the driver of this body, I am the controller of this body, but I am not the body. The body is a machine.



I don't know, but I feel like that was a bit too forward, even for me. I understand the sentiment he was trying to express, but really?? Men of the world take note: I would not recommend that your first leap of communication with a love interest be that you tell her that her beauty is only as good as the vomit and fecal matter that's inside her...Needless to say, I wish I had the gonads to be that blunt!

This did get me to thinking though...While I agree that beauty is only skin deep, I don't see any error in keeping self-preservation as part of a spouse hunt pre-requisite. After all, Darwin's entire theory of evolution is based on the principle of survival of the fittest and let's face it, in today's society self-maintenance and the image you portray have almost an equal bearing on your level of success as the amount of raw talent you possess. On the flip side, none of us want a partner who's too in love with themselves so like everything else, it boils down to BALANCE: intellectual, in great form but also with good heart so you dont have to worry about their actions every time they leave the house.

Well Over-Exuberant-Mandir-Man, though I did not respond to your e-mail and probably never will, weeks later I am still sitting here thinking about you so I guess...You win!

Seeking the reassurance of others tonight...

I'm a strong believer that all things come in threes:

1). Somehow, September 1st never registered in my mental calendar...nor did the 2nd or the 3rd or the 8th...and now i owe my apartment complex the monetary equivalent of a business class plane ticket to a remote, exotic country. And trust me, I'd much rather be spending the money on just that. How ironic that I come to find out that I'm to incur such a huge dent in my pocket the day that we have an entire evening of presentations pertaining to money management in medical school. That's it. I'm definitely going to die poor and alone.

2). I did HORRIBLY on a surgery quiz today...and this is the field I want to go into?!?! Sometimes I wonder why I get such a sick pleasure out of chasing the things that are always going to be just a bit out of reach for me. People, situations, you name it. I embody the psychiatric diagnosis of Narcissism; always thinking I deserve the best of the best and then beating myself up when I fall short. The self-worthlessness has been propagated by a wave of negative energy that hit yesterday when I realized that though I may feel like most of the time i have it completely together, the reality is I don't and I won't for a long time. Which wouldn't be disconcerting if I hadn't started to take note recently of the people who are doing the things and being the people that I think I want and want to be.

3). I'm still reeling from the guilt generated by almost killing Captain Ruffles after I left him alone in Daytona for 5 days while I traipsed about Florida. He managed to knock over his food dish at some point and was near death by starvation when I returned on Tuesday.

So moral of the post is: I'm hoping I've exhausted my streak of bad luck?? What a miserable week. Morale is low and for once I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in the near future. Wondering how I'll make it through this one....We've now reached the point where I'm pathetically going to sit back and wait for the comfort from the ones I love to arrive. Come quickly! I need you tonight... :*(

Fruit Detox Follow-Up

Right off the bat I would like to take a moment to lament the sometimes deplorable condition of being female. As I watched 3lbs melt off the first day followed by another 4lbs with the second day of the detox, I realized that mostly what had happened was due to water retention, or what my fellow ladies will attest to as the common ailment of 'bloating'. And lo and behold, upon consultation with my pill pack and realizing that Mother Nature was indeed to pay a visit in the near future, I begrudgingly once again accepted that along with the mood swings, exhaustion and weight gain, what I had just incurred was merely another bout of PMS. Excellent.

Although, I will say I am grateful for following through with my impulsive desire to detox because once again, I found myself bestowed with gems of wisdom along this journey:

#1. Mind Over Matter is only a saying until you put it into practice: 3 days of just fruits was a stretch, even for a fastidious health nut like myself. But once you commit to making a lifestyle change and make it your own decision, that's exactly what it becomes. It's not a fast, it's simply a way of life. I think too often we get caught up in going with the flow, just blindly following those around us because we haven't decided for ourselves how we feel about a particular situation. I encourage you all tonight to find one aspect of your life that you have no strong feelings towards and just try to assess how you really feel about it, free from the constraints of what impressions may have been left by others. Do you really feel that Obama will be able to create peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians? What can YOU do RIGHT NOW to make an impact on global warming? What do you really feel like eating for breakfast tomorrow?

#2. No matter how difficult the situation, always embrace it with open arms: Family medicine is still the bane of my existence, but I've found ways to make the experience my own and grow from it. So I hate treating boring chronic illnesses like hypertension, diabetes and hyperlipidemia. Ok, but I love talking to people and most of the time, getting people to make the changes necessary to live a healthier life comes from somewhere deeper than prescribing the right medications anyway. So I sit and spend at least 45 mins with my patients and get detailed histories of everything about them, their past, present and future. And more often than not we are able to identify together certain instances that have shaped their ideas of themselves and the world around them and when we address those issues, sometimes we can make headway in improving their outlook and actions on their health. And I've also effectively just killed off about 1/9th of my day.

#3. There is no such thing as failure. It just means that you haven't devoted enough time or the right kind of energy to the problem yet: No one was as surprised as I was tonight when in my yoga class I was able to lift up into Eka Pada Koundiyasana. I have been painstakingly (and i mean PAIN) working on this pose for my entire yoga practicing existence and have never gotten more than some bruises on my arms out of it. But today, despite consuming only fruits for the past 68 hours I took a deep breath, whispered a prayer and then took flight!

I really hope this is what falling in love feels like. You spend all your time sort of taking a stab at it but it's not until you're physically and mentally ready (and you probably will have no idea when that is either) and then there you go! Knight In Shining Armor with a 5 carat ring is executing the most perfectly romantic (and well documented) proposal in front of you, just like you've always imagined but never needed to vocalize, and you have almost no idea how you both got to that moment.

I'm feeling good. There was some awesome Qi generated throughout the past 3 days and even though I was at times wrought with exhaustion, I'm happy to report that there was nothing but more positive personal growth and happy self-identification that took place over the past 72 hours. I'm thinking about trying to stick to just fresh veggies the rest of the week to balance out the nutrients I've been lacking since Monday. And then it's off to Miami to spend a wondrous weekend with one of my dearest friends....and hopefully will be making some new ones as well ;)

I think it would be wise to call it a night soon. Tomorrow is another full 12 hour day in Palm Coast so off to bed I go. Considering the plethora of insightful dreams I've been having the past few nights I feel it appropriate to now quote Shakespeare, for as I head off to bed and towards hopeful enlightenment via the vehicle of the subconscious, I'm off to "unpathed waters, undreamed shores..."

Fallacy of Fortune and Fish. And Salvation by Fruit.

This was by far one of the worst Mondays in a while...After breaking Baby-Cat's heart last night, I was finally able to wrestle away Captain Ruffles and Mr. Fishy #5 and whisk them away to Daytona. BC had been lax with her schoolwork as of late and since 3rd grade is no joke, Mommy decided a fit punishment would be to estrange her from her pets until she can get her act together. And so I arrived back in Daytona at 11pm last night with albino parakeet and beta fish in tow. Both were settling in well, or so I thought, until arriving back at home this evening. While showing a friend who stopped by to see my new pets, he questioned why Mr. Fishy #5 was buried beneath the stones and aquatic plants in his bowl...Turns out Mr. Fishy didn't stomach the ride back home so well last night and subsequently dug himself a grave and DIED at some point today while I was at work :( Tomorrow I will have to arrange for his burial. I probably will toss his carcass into the lake behind our apartment. Somehow, it seems more fitting to have his remains eaten by other fish than have him disgracefully decompose in human poop. RIP poor Mr. Fishy, you were thus far one of my favorites and I doubt if I'll have the heart to continue with the endeavor of fish-rearing with any other after you.



The fiasco of Mr. Fishy only added insult to the injury that was incurred early in the day. I found out while getting ready for work this morning that somewhere between Friday morning and Monday morning I apparently managed to have consumed a small child's weight in food...8lbs?!?!? I don't think it's even physiologically possible to gain that much weight in 4 days but somehow, I managed to perform such a miracle. In response, I've decided to go on a 3 day Fruit Detox Diet. I had planned to do this detox next weekend but subconsciously I must have known some calamity was coming sooner because I had bought $45 worth of raw fruits last night on my way home. Armed with ammo for the week, I managed to survive today but I'm interested to see what will unfold in the next few days. If it's anything like my Raw Foods Diet I attempted with the inception of the Freedom for Foodie blog, I'm curious as to what emotions and passions will be invoked this round....this should be good..

LAUGHTER is the best medicine

2 quotes that I encountered this weekend that reduced me to tears of laughter. I couldn't have expressed the sentiments better myself!

"The next time an ex tells you 'You will never find anyone like me'....your response should be 'God I should hope not!'"

And posted on the fridge in my bariatric surgery office suite: "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels"
-I am going to staple this one to my forehead lest I forget...

I am back home for the weekend, exploring the 'forests' of Deer Creek with baby-cat, stuffing my face with totally unhealthy bengali food, trying to choreograph a ridiculous Bharatanatyam fusion piece that I have to perform in 12 days, having side-splittingly hilarious gossip sessions with mother dearest and hopefully tomorrow will be preparing the presentation I have to give on congestive heart failure. And also preparing for a fruit detox that is to take place this week. Now that we've returned from a slew of Indian parties throughout the day, it's upstairs to the theater room to watch a Hindi movie. Never a dull moment <3 Blessed are the packed days, I love the feeling of being rushed along. I'd like to think all this is just a time pass til I get to the next Big Moment. No idea what it's going to entail this time but I have an uncanny feeling I'm heading towards something good...So I'll keep barreling forward at light speed; ironic though, considering that 3E8 m/s just may be the only constant in my life for the moment ;)

Life isn't about about finding yourself...it's about creating yourself.

Today's pervasive theme seemed to be listening to the wisdom that emanates from others. Due to the whims of the Universe, the past few days I've felt uncharacteristically imbalanced and was beginning to worry that the satisfaction I've been receiving through the gifts of life was to be a transient experience. But today I heard a talk by a plastic surgeon and was inspired. "Right now, you oughta be loving every experience you're having, otherwise you'd better get out quick", the quick witted, southern surgeon preached. And I realized that even though I spent 12 hours on my feet yesterday seeing patients first in the office and then in the nighttime emergency clinic, my ADD was actually put on hold for those 12 hours and they felt like they passed in merely one long blink of an eye. Years before, I would have agonized over having to devote so much of my precious time to the service of others. Now I'm realizing every day what an incredible honor it is to interact with even the most cantankerous patient because I'm recognizing that everyone has some amazing, powerful energy that they shed with every exchange, and how you perceive and respond to that energy is really how it ultimately affects you. If you chose to let the irritable, pessimistic patient who yells at you because he's had to wait for 30 minutes to have his pilonidal cyst looked at bring you down, then the depressed energy you in turn send off will only cause the rest of your interactions for the day to be highlighted with a negative vibe. But if you stop for a moment, take in the angry man's energy, understand and accept that his anger comes from a place of hurt and misunderstanding, and then just let it go while sending off some extra love in his direction, you will never feel that sting of annoyance that slowly eats away at us throughout the rest of the day.


In my yoga class tonight my teacher relayed an anecdote during savasana. She received a fortune cookie today that carried the message: "The odds of hitting your target go up dramatically when you aim at it" Do you ever stop and wonder if you're ever aiming at the right target? As we grow older and (hopefully) wiser, we are constantly trying to reinvent and redefine ourselves but our overall goal never changes, we're still always searching for that feeling of peace. Maybe the secret to happiness isn't just trying hard, it's knowing what you're trying for......

tonight's picture comes from Kripalu, a holistic sanctuary I did an Integrative Medicine program at this summer. Sending out positive thoughts to those of you that are in need of a little extra healing love tonight :)

Reader beware my wrath...

After an absolutely phenomenal weekend in New York it was of course necessary that I be assailed with every problem possible as soon I set foot in the airport. Once again battling the forces of nature, I boarded my flight from Laguardia to Charlotte with 10 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Daytona. I think my rapid fire succession of trips for the past couple months has cultivated a whole new level of patience and calm within me when traveling. Instead of frantically trying to rebook my flights and arrange for rental cars to drive from some far removed airport so I could scramble back to work in time I resorted to just sitting and breathing while the crowds panicked around me. I slowly heard almost every single flight leaving New York being cancelled but some force of airport authority divinity decided that 10 minutes was enough time for one to run from one end of Charlotte's airport to the other to make the Daytona flight and so, I boarded my plane and sat. Of course there was no overhead luggage space so I had to wrangle with disconcerted passengers and irritated flight stewards to stow my carry-on a good 10 rows behind me. And of course while the plane was taxiing we were informed that LGA had once again put a hold on take-offs and we were to be stranded on the runway for at least another good 30 minutes. Even at this point I resisted the urge to whip out my phone and start figuring out which nearest airport I could be rebooked on and where I could attain a rental car from. It was just as well because I hadn't charged my cell phone the night before and so my phone was as good as dead by this point any way. Needless to say, my passive-aggressive attitude prevailed in the end: Upon landing, i used my last 5 minutes of battery life to call the US Airways travel status line, found out my Daytona flight had been again delayed and that I still had said 10 minutes to try to catch the flight. By some force of benevolence from above, I managed to have my suitcase passed down the 10 rows to where I was sitting, made it off the plane, and RAN. Even when running a race I dont think I have ever bolted so impressively. Heels clamoring, sweat breaking and with the blessed coffee I had the genius to order on the plane running through my veins I hightailed it like a banshee through the airport and got to the gate just as they were shutting down the gangway.

And of course, the fun didn't stop there. Upon arrival in Daytona Beach at 10pm, I arrive at my car only to find that it refused to start. After grappling with the mechanical forces that be I miraculously was able to get the engine going, only to find that one of the headlights had burned out. At this point I gave up, drove home, and hoped that the world would be righted when I woke the next morning.

And of course, when I got up at 6am to go to my first day of work (which is a 40 min drive away, in the middle of the woods and with a new doctor) I found my car wouldn't start. AGAIN. No worries; I somehow performed the same miracle I had the night before and was off. I thought the day was beginning to turn around when I found the new office without any problems and even saw a beautiful deer running next to my car at the wee hour of 6:45am as I pulled up to my new office. But within the next 5 minutes there was to be more disheartening news. My new doctor is a robust Cuban with a penchant for work. His exuberance dictates that I arrive every day at 7:15am. And said new doctor is so passionate about his patients that he demands that we see patients until 7:30pm every evening. which, when added to my drive back home insinuates that I wont be ending my days until 8pm every day. I suppose I wouldn't be complaining as much had i actually liked family medicine. This is probably the last field on earth I would ever go into and so devoting so much of my time to something I dont care for is just a horrific thought.

But after 3pm, somehow, the patients stopped showing up and so I was free to leave! And where did I go? straight to the BMW dealership to have my car checked out. Again, thinking this would be an easily accomplishable feat, i am about to set off for the dealership and once again my car won't start. Finally I get it going and get to BMW just minutes before it closes. I am convinced by the mechanic that I have to leave my car overnight for further inspection. I assume that won't be a problem because I can just get a BMW loaner in the meantime, god bless luxury vehicles!....and then I find out that this BMW dealership is denying me a loaner because I didn't buy my car from them...so I am rushed over to an adjacent Enterprise 5 minutes before they close to PAY by DAY for one of their rental cars. I am now indefinitely driving a white Ford Focus. Why indefinitely you ask? Because even though my car will most likely be healed by tomorrow, I will be in Palm Coast working the emergency walk-in clinic until 8pm every night this week. I hate to be cliched but all I have left to say is: FML.

Inebriation does not foster worthwhile creation

Following the events of today I've come to 3 conclusions:
1). I am not going to like family medicine
2). no matter how cliched or unwarranted, i will never bore of receiving red roses and being taken out for dinner and wine
3). I am really not going to like family medicine

The only thing that i did particularly care about on my first day of FM was that my attending has a strange semblance to a slightly older and decidedly less attractive Fabio. Complete with once voluminous but still long blonde hair that has seen better days than the scraggly pony tail it's currently being forced into. Oh and also the body of a fallen Greek Olympian. That's not to say I find him attractive in the least, in fact I think my multi-lingual tall, dark, handsome and happily married father of a psychiatry doctor i had was much more coveted in my eyes. I guess that goes to show that I equally crave stability along with persona. For example, said family medicine doc is married and travels extensively, but he has got to be at least 48 and has no children. his office is instead horrifically decorated with a plethora of dachshund paraphernalia. to the creepiest degree. to the point where there are dachshund birthday cards hanging on the walls that read "Happy Birthday, Dad!" Now normally I'm not one to judge on the eccentricities from person to person but this was one i couldn't bring myself to overlook. Odd though, considering my unhealthy obsession with maltese puppies, I guess I just dont find dogs shaped like hot-dogs quite as loveable...

After the disastrous post from last night I am begging whatever muse has taken reign of my literary voice tonight to cease and desist before I send any more garbage off into cyber space. The dinner and wine from tonight has me in no position to be bringing to fruition any ideas that may be brewing...though i have to pose one rhetorical question to the dark and obscure face of the blog reader: Once you cross the awkward line between a balanced friendship over to the side of unrequited desire to be something more, can you ever successfully step back into the safe haven of the relationship of yesterday? I have someone who is a dear friend but judging by actions tonight has overstepped the boundaries I had so vigilantly kept in place for the past 3 years. Caught somewhere between not wanting to lose a friendship but not wanting to fuel the fire, I am retiring my drunken mind to bed. Work is in 8 hours and I can't believe I allowed myself to be duped this evening. What's worse is that since I'm a firm believer that we always know exactly what we're about to get ourselves into, I have no one to blame but my moment-of-weakness self.

Independence

Nearly a 5 month hiatus and a lifetime of changes later, I finally decided to re-initiate posting the quirky insights I encounter by the mere fate of being myself. I chose this day to start as August 15 concurrently marks the Indian Independence Day and nothing gives me more pleasure in life than being able to attribute coincidences as symbols of fate. To be brief, I felt it very fitting that today not only marks my motherland's 64th year of independence from British rule, but that it should also be the day of my first posting from within my own sovereignty. While there have been several developments since the original Freedom for Foodie posts, some of the more notable are that I forsook raw foods and instead opted for balance, I survived my board exams, moved to a new city and probably most importantly, managed to extract myself out of yet another (surprise) unhealthy relationship. I've spent the past 3 months uncovering and polishing the stone of self-worth that had begun to become buried, tarnished and near forgotten and recently I'd even began to think that it had been shining brighter than it ever had. Though I'd been feeling like things couldn't be going any better, I was once again reminded today that there is no destination to the journey I'm on; while I'm loving the ride, it's important for me to constantly find ways to keep the hunger alive because that's the fuel that's going to keep me going. And of course, the drive is never smooth, nor is it always a straight path. Right now I can tell that I'm going off into woods again where there is going to be uncertainty...There are new strangers I'm meeting along the way and I am trying to decipher if they mean well or if I should steer clear. Part of me wants to be so daring as to let these newcomers' maps become my own but I'm not sure if I feel like I've completed enough of the journey on my own yet...

Ok too much existential speaking, if I haven't already lost you I feel like I'm definitely confusing myself now as well. I've been reading Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and I think I'm starting to adopt his tangential thought process...I was always one to be influenced easily! All in all, I can say I'm very thoroughly pleased with where my road is going and I feel very blessed for the people I've encountered in the past few weeks. Blessed because they've enriched parts of my life that I can't tend to by myself and because no matter what I'd like to think, it's not always better to be alone..

The only complaint i have now is that allowing some of the aforementioned people to play such a large role in defining myself is that it necessitates breaking down some of the walls of the fortress I've built around myself. Though maybe it's not so much breaking as it is reconstructing...whatever it may be, I'm not sure if it's settling well because I can feel emotions wanting to break through the flood gates. I cried to a Paramore song today on my ride back to Daytona. The tears were falling with:

"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with this loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk"

But then the tears came to a screeching halt with the next line:
"But you are the only exception"

I hate being so openly emo but that was definitely my psyche telling me to save the tears because there's no one to shed them over yet. but that's not to say that i'm not wishing there were.

Hopefully this will be last sappy post for a while. I think it stemmed from me reading the journal I was keeping when I was off doing my Integrative Medicine retreat program in Mass. after my boards. Most of my entries then revolved around the mess I was in that didn't until recently work itself out. But the shock of what happened in retrospect I guess runs deeper than I'd like to let it. It's also probably because I miss being in an environment that was as nurturing as Kripalu was. I'm so grateful that I had that week of experiences but I'm greedy and need more of being surrounded by people as caring and open-minded as I was then. I'll be dreaming of them fondly tonight :)

Family medicine starts tomorrow! An entire psychiatry rotation went by and I'm lamenting that I didn't re-open this blog sooner because I missed out on so many wonderful opportunities to document some life-changing encounters. There is just so much to say right now about everything I think I'll stop trying to recreate the past and instead just focus on one memory for now. I'll go with the acupuncture workshop we did at Kripalu because that was one of the first times that I felt like i was allowed to delve into something unknown without letting the voice of my critical conscience scare me to inaction. We grabbed those needles and went at it..thanks to all my fellow healers who were there for such a unique learning experience, this picture is for you guys! (sorry you cant really see the needles too well)



And now, time to turn my ADD brain OFF. at least for a little while...Jai Hind! :D

On Scales, Lies and Myopia

Ever since the onset of my pre-teen quest of defining individuality by conforming to one of the long-standing categories of adolescence, I've been enamored by Zodiac signs. I always wanted to be the type of person who was defined by their stars, an example of how forces larger than ourselves shape our very existence and put us on the path to our destiny. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that I was the farthest thing imaginable from a cast of what my Zodiac sign stands for. Libra: Latin for "sclaes" - the sign associated with scales of balance. Sometimes I think that the only thing I'm able to balance is tea in one hand and a textbook in the other. And today aided in rendering the literal interpretation of my sign null and void in the court of my life. I was berated by my Ob/Gyn this morning for putting on too much weight (6lbs???) since my last visit 3 months ago, only to come home and weigh myself and find that I was contrary to fact a whole 2 lbs. lighter than I was back in November...Aside from mentioning that normally I weigh myself in the mornings as daytime fluctuations in weight can be vast, I have no other comments on the matter. I'd like to remain in the Land of Oblivia please.

To return to the point of balance, however:
Unfortunately, it stands to note that my Behavior Change Plan of 5 weeks (to stick to raw/organic foods and vegetables) royally failed. BUT, I realized that it was due to the lack of aforementioned balance my plan proffered. I had attempted to address this fact in the beginning of the endeavor but seriously underestimated how powerful the act of balancing can be. Hundreds of dollars, hours of complaining and a handful of emotional breakdowns later it has become apparent that my previous lifestyle was indeed a lot healthier and positive for self-esteem than this crazy plan (surprise!). After letting down myself (and my Ob/Gyn, apparently. docs can be so mean!!) I am quite content to revert to my previous lifestyle and though there may be some good days probably followed by more bad days, the self-enforced pressure won't be as high and therefore the effect of 'failing' won't be as great.

They say hindsight is 20/20...well today I also paid a (pricey) visit to my optometrist and was informed that my vision has indeed gotten worse since the advent of medical school. As if my astigmatism didn't make me blind enough, my nearsightedness has also increased. I'd like to take this opportunity to consider my myopia as a metaphor for the outlook on life that most (girls) my age and in the same stage of life tend to be blinded by. I know that the whole reason for my redonkulous lifestyle modification was because I felt that there was some glaring flaw that was standing in my immediate path to becoming a better person (because obviously there is only one path...). I've seen several of those I'm close with feel that if they too could just change that one thing about them that they would be that much closer to attaining happiness. But if I've learned anything these past few weeks it's been that to know and love yourself exactly as you are in the present moment is really what lets you attain that Nirvana of self-affirmation. And I've also seen that the simplest way to do so is by keeping only those who are on the same level of you, if not higher, around. Aside from paring out certain foods from my life, I'd also began doing the same to certain people. It may sound cruel and self-righteous to think that some people aren't worth your time but the reality of it is just that. Those that can imbue thoughts and ideas that fuel your own are the ones who can help to stand by your resolutions and help you see through your goals.

I deleted my Facebook account for the first time in 6 years, a feat that I never regarded as more than a passing whim because I couldn't imagine a world where I wasn't intricately tied into others' lives and them to mine. But one morning I woke up and realized that worrying about the masses was what was keeping me from focusing in on what was good for me, and those who are meant to be a part of my life will find a way to stay in it. And lo and behold I was right! You're reading this now, aren't you? :)

Nighttime musings are by far the best. They open the mind to an untapped potential of thoughts that are repressed for the majority of the day and begin to leak out only when the strain of the day becomes too great. So I will set this batch of thoughts out into the cold, endless abyss of (cyber)space and rest. Tomorrow is another day full of promise, broodings and shopping for one of these....

Step 5: If at first you don't succeed...

....For God's sake, don't keep trying to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results! That is the definition of insanity, afterall (according to Einstein anyway).

I made it exactly one week into my behavior change plan before running into and succumbing to temptation. On day 7 I fell off the deep end -- sans rubber floaties -- straight into a pile of cookies and tea. Somewhere between the misery and mirth I felt as I indulged I tried to ascertain why I was able to be so steadfast during the tumultuous week of school and failed only once I was safely into the weekend and in the privacy of my apartment. The answer wasn't hard to come by:

The rush and regimen of school makes it pretty easy to stick to a schedule and not have too much time to sit around and day-dream of desserts. The hard part is when I go out to play - the late nights followed by late mornings disrupted my morning routine of breakfast and so when it finally came time to eat, boy did I...Saturday night was a late one and Sunday was wholly (but definitely not organically) disastrous. My "Slip-Up Sunday" was then followed by a "Slip-Up Tuesday" after I stayed up wayyy too late Monday night too. So I've decided that instead of pretending like I can be disciplined enough to stay strong in the face of friends and going out, I'm going to make an amendment to my plan. I'm allotting one "Slip-Up" Day a week. Now I can choose which day of the week I want to use for minor transgressions and if it's a good week and I don't need to use my day then good for me but it's not going to roll-over to the next week. AT&T, you may never hire me but it's OK because I'm a Verizon girl anyway! I think that's a pretty reasonable rule. Considering this weekend I'm going with my girls to GA to check out a potential venue for a friend's wedding, I need a day (well in this case, 3 preferably but i'll do my best to behave) where the alcohol and home foods don't count :) everything in moderation, right?? I felt better about this decision after reading Tim Ferriss' "Four-Hour Work Week" (which I highly recommend to anyone desiring to start their own business). In one chapter of his book he briefly relates an anecdote about how while losing 20lbs of fat in 30 days he would take one day a week off and literally eat everything he'd deprive himself of during the week to the point where he'd be borderline ill (read: 14 cupcakes in one sitting. i kid you not! Hello Utopia...) Now I won't be binging to that extreme (I'm thinking more along the lines of one of those paltry yet somehow $9 wraps they have at school if I'm in a rush and didn't have time to bring my veggies from home). I'm hoping if I have 1 day of normalcy should I need it then it will push the relapses much farther and fewer in between.

Also, a brilliant suggestion came in from a blog reader: JUICING! As soon as exams are over this week and I return from a weekend of (mild) debauchary I'm heading straight to wal-mart and buying myself a Juicer and a juicing book, I think this new plan has a lot of potential for curbing the cravings...

Well, the guilt of not studying renal pathology has finally overcome me. Time to call it a night but I'm curious to see where the week will go from here. Though after today's dining debacle, there's only one way to go and that's up baby, up!

Step 4: Maintenance???

Well, as far as updating posts go, I seem to have failed Step 4 after a mere 3 days. But after a brief hiatus, I have returned singing songs of victory! Save a few minor pitfalls (an accidental encounter with a butterscotch candy while dyyyyying during a Doctoring lecture; having Hare Krishna lunch with Bernard today -though in my defense only the vegetables and salad passed my lips!) I have adhered to my rules with more stringency than I thought I'd be able to muster! And I've noticed more and more positive increases in energy along the way though there was one interesting side effect that I will share now that was not anticipated:

Food for Thought #3: "You are what you eat", or so the adage goes.
I was speaking with one of my classmates today who was relating stories about a yoga instructor at our studio who embarked on a 30-day Raw Foods retreat. According to her, eating only raw foods led her on a path to becoming very emotionally vulnerable and raw in the process. Now I know I've been sneaking a few boiled vegetables here and there, but nevertheless I've noticed this week that my mood has been out of control. Sure there has been a definite upturn in my attentiveness, and even though I'm not having sex at the moment (*tear*) I can tell there has been a huge increase in libido, plus I've become so much more chipper around people in general. But the downturn to this upheaval of dining patterns is that I have definitely had more than my fair share of low moments this week. Twice I found myself crying in the library over memories that have been suppressed for ages. I find my thoughts wandering to all the fabulous romances and amorous escapades I've been lucky enough to experience and I think to myself that I want to find someone I can be that crazy with again. I don't really think of myself as emotionally needy (those who I've seriously dated are probably laughing hysterically right now), but I've devoted more time this week than probably ever in my life to indulging in thoughts of relationships - I'm ready for an amazing one, when will he come? will I ever get married? when will I ever have children??? And the list goes on and on, a staggering heap of inquiries that even if I know the answer to them, there's nothing I can do about them now. I'm hoping thse feelings will pass sooner than later, though I fear I may be facing my emotional fears for the long haul. And considering I haven't even started to address the real nitty gritty issues as to why none of the aforementioned could ever happen in the current state of affairs, now is a terrible time to need support. Forget about turning to friends for motivation, our block 1 exams are next week and the panick is settling in for all of us. I wish I could kick emotions to the curb for just a few days but I can already tell I'm about to get run over...

Well, if nothing else I can plaster a smile on my face because at least the weekend is almost here and I actually have a date tomorrow night. It should be fabulous, it's going to be with myself :)

Step 3: Implement and Execute

Seeing that it's the night before a quiz, I'll be brief.

Food for Thought #1: Nutritionists don't lie. If you do in fact consume calories from a healthier source your hunger is zapped and your energy sky rockets! Despite eating about 1/3 of what I'd normally been consuming over the past month, I paid better attention in class all day and felt like a zillion dollars after running 3 miles at the gym (a task which I anyways complete about every other day but feel like I got hit by a truck consistently every time thereafter). And the best part....I made it through the day without ANY caffeinated beverages! And better still, I quadrupled my water intake (which I had calculated to be ideally 92oz per day but according to that algorithm I'm still a few ounces short).

Food for Thought #2: I came to realize that up until now, pretty much my entire life has been very fickly executed. Though I have a long history of many of them, individual relationships are always ephemeral. How much I'm willing to do for friends and family is always dictated by the constraints of school, which is dictated by the constraints of my undiagnosed ADD. Only goals that can be accomplished in the short-term are set because I am always thinking 3 steps ahead to the part where I will inevitably grow bored/tired and want to chase after new dreams, leaving the old ones abandoned and unfulfilled. So after my many musings, I decided I want to take this little project one step further. I could make it easy on myself and leave loop holes for the days when I am feeling like cutting myself some slack but then this endeavor would be no different than any other I've ever taken on. So now I'm thinking I will round out this week eating chicken and fish and "minimally processed" foods but then starting next week I'm going to go basically completely fresh whole fruits and veggies. Baked boiled, broiled, grilled what have you but that's where I'm going to draw the line. I don't want to set myself up for failure by allowing certain transgressions so the easiest way to do so is to for once in my life be strict with myself! Not gonna lie, I think giving up the alcohol and coffee will be the hardest part but I'm pretty sure I could survive for 5 weeks. (The fact that the end of this adventure lands right into my spring break, which I'm 99.9% sure I'll be spending in Costa Rica doesn't hurt as far as proffering some motivation!)

So there you have it, I am stripping my needs down to the very basic and am leaving myself wide open to whatever benefits come along the way. And now that my laptop has sufficiently warmed my bed, I will take leave of this blog and this day. I'm ready for a new one to start.

Step 2: Logistics and Emergency Preparedness

In the midst of gorging on every baked good imaginable, I spent the remainder of the weekend planning how to curtail my feeding habits and came up with the following guidelines:

1. After calculating my allotted caloric intake requirement, I've decided to live on an 85%/15% diet: 85% of my daily caloric intake will come from whole, fresh fruits and vegetables. Eating them raw will be preferable but I still get a pat on the back and a gold star if they are boiled and not seasoned with anything more than rock salt and pepper. 15% of my daily caloric intake will come from what I will refer to as "minimally processed foods". Now it was while defining the rules of the latter category that I began to forsee how I would create very large loopholes if I wasn't careful...
2. I originally had planned to keep coffee, teas and the occasional diet coke as part of my acceptable diet because let's face it, what medical student would survive without a constant IV infusion of the aforementioned? But then I realized that if I still drink said beverages, then I would have to allow for Splenda to remain on the list to sweeten the coffee and honey for the tea. And if honey is still on the list, then I need rules to regulate exactly how much honey I could use every day because spooning out tablespoons (...or ladle-fuls) of honey Winnie-the-Pooh style from jar to mouth would not be below me in times of desperation. THIS IS GETTING TOO COMPLICATED!!!! So then I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and have made up my mind to..

give up coffee, tea and diet coke all together. I am crying like a little baby right now, I haven't even started yet and I already feel like i won't make it. But then I remind myself that this is all part of the cleansing process I am so badly desiring. There was a time when the natural sugar in fruits was enough to keep (wo)Man satisfied and I am going to get there. I am convinced that after the first week or two of detox I will be able to reformat my palate and no longer be romanced by the artificial sweeteners that have enticed my taste buds from the moment of birth. But enough of this fire and brimstone, I've made my decision, will stand my ground and contrary to what Jonathan Edwards may say, my foot isn't sliding anywhere!!!
But it is late and I digress. So basically, the only "minimally processed" foods I've allowed myself to have will be to continue my 1 cup of plain Special K and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast and however much brown rice I can fit into my daily allotted 15% should I feel so inclined. Also, organically raised chicken and fish and raw nuts have my stamp of approval too.

So this plan will be great because not only am I doing my health a service by cutting out processed foods, but I will also be going organic and better still, buying locally grown foods! Or as much as my budget allows anyways...My biggest worry is the $$$ involved. I went to an organic food market today and on fruits and vegetables ALONE i spent $101.15. All I can say now is thank Joseph, Mary and Krishna for student loans.

Tomorrow officially marks Day 1 of this 42 day escapade. I think I fear most for my classmates. Sorry but you guys will be receiving the brunt of my imminent moodiness as my serotonin and endorphin levels fly out of control while this process gets going. A special thanks goes out to Bernard for motivating me to make a list of do's and don'ts, though I probably will be wanting to bite your head off soon enough too. <3.

Step 1: Identifying the problem

A Gator in 'Nole country, a beauty pageant queen in medical school, a yoga fitness instructor who binge eats sweets and fats on an hourly basis, I often feel like my life is one big contradiction. To straighten out the chaos, I decided to use an assignment from our Medicine and Behavior class as an excuse to become more neurotic than I already am. The assignment?

BEHAVIOR CHANGE PLAN - Choose a target behavior you'd like to change and explain why it was chosen. Monitor your behavior for at least 2 weeks and discuss observed patterns and potential hurdles. Set a specific personal goal and develop a change plan, then implement and monitor it for 6 weeks.

......Ok, cool! I can do this! Let's see, the examples they gave were things like, "I will use the elliptical machine at XXXX Health Club for 30 minutes, Tuesdays and Thursdays". After realizing that going to the gym is definitely NOT a problem for me, I delved further to discover what really irks me about, well, me. And let me tell you, it was exhausting! No, I mean it quite literally. My brain fatigued after wracking over the problem for about 5 minutes, which then led me to question: Why am I always so mentally exhausted!? I pondered the conundrum while eating a row of double stuf oreos and as I polished off the last one and the food comatose started to hit I realized with a blinding flash of clarity (....wait no, that was my dining table light glaring off the now empty aluminum wrapping of the oreo package) that my biggest time waster and energy zapper -facebook aside- is FOOD!

I love food. Specifically, I love cookies, chocolate, breads, pastas, vegetables, salads, fruits, ice cream, tofu, red meats, white meats, fish meat...ok well I guess there aren't really any specifics because I am the world's biggest hearted, caste no bar lover of food in all its guises. Anyone who knows me knows to fear my constantly unabated hunger. My food mania has undoubtedly progressed at a horrific rate over the years as I came to realize that I am blessed with a very forgiving metabolism. Due to the aforementioned coupled with my obsessiveness about working out my body has been able to sneak by on bad behavior without ever having to face any real consequences, save one: My brain has become sluggish! My mental processes have quite literally been bogged down by the sludgy residue left behind by the metabolism of a plethora of unecessary fats.

CONCLUSION: My behavior change plan will be to completely cut out processed foods and consume organic whole foods for the next 6 weeks. After doing tons of research, I've found out that there are tons of crap in our foods. Quite literally speaking. Think back to news reports of salmonella in our peanut butter, listeria in our spinach, roaches in our coffee grinds; processing foods has repeatedly demonstrated the potential for causing acute illnesses but I am convinced that even if you've never experienced projectile vomiting or explosive diarrhea from eating crappy food, that doesn't exempt you from suffering from the adverse effects of over-processing and over-refining. It will get us all eventually when we're in our old age and wrought with type 2 diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, obesity, Alzheimer's, pick your poison ladies and gents!

Now I'm not your staunch and stoic kind of girl. I'll be the first to admit that I am probably one of the most efficiently lazy people you'll ever meet and inconveniencing myself for any reason is not going to happen so I'm going to make these next 6 weeks as easy as possible. Instead of consuming the quick unhealthy stuff (i.e. fast food, anything packaged or preserved) I'm going to go for the quick healthy stuff (fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains). This allows for 3 aspects that I like my food to proffer:

1). Variety - I still get my sweet, salty, bitter and umami taste buds satisfied = I feel satisfied.
2). Quantity - I'm a snacker, and I think I could get by snacking on nutrient rich foods because they have a higher water content than packaged foods which automatically fills you up quicker.
3). Ease - Medical school means there is no time to prepare elaborate meals. Grabbing some fruits and pre-cut veggies before I head out the door seems feasible. Baking fresh fish, roasting veggies and boiling some brown rice for dinner seems feasible. I'm happy so far.

I'm excited about my new life plan, hence the long post, but now it is time to do some more research and figure out exactly what I can buy on my first trip to the farmer's market when I return to Tallahassee. It is also time to enjoy my last, hearty helping of trans-fats before I implement my new plan. I'm thinking cookies...